Perception n deception

Holiday life had been bumming around my best fren, the pc, since i basically dont haf much a life. I dont haf much sleep and dats cos my insomnia is back. I knoe a certain part of me is missing. Its like incomplete but i am sanelah. My journal is where i rant my inner feelings n actually my sanctuary. This thing needed to keep me sane other than my own self and constant talking to God. I am like the Irish man in Braveheart. At times, i blamed events dat happened to me cos of one great experience dat changed my entire life w/o me realizing how great the impact gonna b later. But i hold my head high n said dat i am gonna b ok if i try especially cos i knew i can neva change the past n its fated to haf dat when u were way younger n confused. Anyway, i went this far and i see improvements a bit. I slowly not to blame it on myself but just embrace dat its fated to b like this. My envy is couples in true love and i haf one gd couple here at home that takes gd care of me. Sum day and today, i stumbled onto curly fries bf's journal ( spandex man ). I used to dislike Spandex cos i see him as an opportunist who leeched on his gf's money n intellect. I also think dat he is too critical to others dat he forgot to critic himself who is actually just as issuable as ppl around him. He is the anti yuppies and for him to scrutinize n categorize, he is no betta than anyone. Howeva, when i read n looked at happy curly fries w him...i am bias perhaps. Spandex man still like dat but i hope he is less mean to my dear curly fries. I want curly fries to b happy. Was so close to her but at times, things changed and a fren want to go..u just haf to let go if its gonna make her happy. I miss seeing curly fries sing but i stopped going to gigs n if i go, i made myself invisible by standing so far away where i am not gonna b noticed even by the audience. Dats how far i will go to make others happy. She was a gd fren dat thot me not to perceive ppl b4 knowing them personally altho unfortunately, she drifted fr wat she preached. I guess its a typical indie stereotype thing or ppl in bands. They listened a lot fr others experience n imediately stereotype ppl when actually wat happened btw dat fella n the one who talked has nothing to do w them. Ppl talked from experience which is influenced by situation and its not right to actually condemned one just cos of a bad experience of another. That is stereotype.

I knoe i am guilty of talking n confiding to others abt my bad experience w certain ppl but for Allah sake, i neva want any of u ppl to follow my perception. Dont b a follower. Have ur own judgement based on ur own experience. Its bitter but at least its fair and not fake. Once, i knew a girl who was so nice to me and acted like a sister. A lot told me she kinda screw up and certain things abt her revealed when i slowly got attacked by ppl who thought i spoke of them altho i actually dont. I didnt realize dat she was making assumptions n adding a bit spice to wadeva i said in her failure to do a good analytical of me. I analysed ppl too cos i want to understand but not to patronize them. Anyway, let me warn u abt analysing cos iis not totally true due to a typical human thing dat luv to assume n perceive on their own. Its not valid so dont analyse n think dat u knoe dat person already. Always look into the weakness of ur brain n analysing. Fark, i feel like a preacher now. Back to her, yeah eventually i found out her true colours when she confronted me herself altho the prob doesnt concern her and accused me of things. i hate ppl accusing me. It was a total betrayal and til now i am so scared of her. Howeva, as she talked to me online after so long of silence and also start to b nice again, i will always be slowly taken in cos she is nice. I treat her nice n do talk to her just dat this time, i am not going to reveal to her my secrets or girl talk. Words get twisted n u neva knoe when she gonna attact u again based on ur own experience. But again, this doesnt mean i am condemning her. This mean i am giving her chance to be a fren again n hope she changed her attitude as she is getting old.

I hope u ppl get wat i mean. If not, just forget it n laffed at me if it makes u ppl feel gd. i knoe at times i am totally difficult to understand. Pardon me cos i am only human.

Going library today maybe. Bedok library.