Jealousy

I have been containing myself dat i am just not really me. Its crazy n i hate it. Why should i be jealous and upset just cos he is probably seeing another hot tanned girl of his liking. Why shud it matters to me if he showed friendly affection to her and appear online wheneva she is there? I really hate myself for feeling like dat. I shudnt be jealous cos we had nothing and i am just a fling. But i had been missing him really these few days. The only antidote i get is to see his pics when we went picnic tog. I really hate myself and in time like this, i really want to screw up my life. I hate myself.

I even hate myself to knoe how small my world is. Zu was from Victorian and the coincidences he had w my life just too freaky. I got reminded of Gene and its not a bad thing but i just hate myself for beginning the shit in his life. He was so in love w me back in secondary days but i just had to spoil it and not wanting him to sacrifice things. I was too young and still even now, too young and naive to understand love. Gene didnt continue his studies cos he is upset w many things and even tho, i am denying it...i played a part in it. WE broke up cos things just too hard when cum to religion. I dont want him to change and at the same time, neither do i wanna change. We broke up mainly cos of my ego. He had too much shit at 15, got his heart broken by the girl he held so dearly to his heart and his parents seized to love. He was a very smart guy and the sweetest, sincere guy i had neva met yet after him. Zu told me that he remembered his best fren, Gene telling him abt me. I love him but i just haf the limit and he knew dat. We actually met years back and we had accepted dat fact altho he was kinda bitter to me at times.

I really miss him. I had been writing unpublished posts just to let go of it. I hate this feeling in me. Its really affecting my studies and i only haf myself to blame. Wat i feel for him n going thru doesnt matter to him at all. I just haf to pull myself up. Maybe i shudnt be in places even in the cyberland where he is available. I dont wanna be bitter for his happiness. He can flirt w as many girls or even b w any girls he want. It shudnt matter to me. I only haf to pray. I dont want to hurt ppl anymore.